does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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