Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i think my cat just said my name.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
