Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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