there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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