My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
be right there i have to get my cape
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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