Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
