I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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