I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
