Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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