Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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