i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
