cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
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We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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