She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
