Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
