i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
