my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
