final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
