Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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