Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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