I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
