There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
