She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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