i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
