WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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