apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?