yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
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Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
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We left the knife in your bed.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick