I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
All I want is dick and wine.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
