Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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