I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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