I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
