he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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