I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
