My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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