dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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