theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
