Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
