I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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