You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
