Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.