omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
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Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?