Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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