i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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