I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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