Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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