I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
