Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
