the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i think i have two assholes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
