I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
