Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
