I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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