There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
