My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
