You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We're too hungover to prance.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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