You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
