allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize