Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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