Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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