The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
