piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.