If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
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Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
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No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read