i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My day in three words: secret purse cake
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.