i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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