when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
