well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
