Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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